So, you guys heard of this game on the Orange Box compilation? It's called Portal, and if you haven't checked it out, you really should. ...I'm just frickin' kidding (THAT WAS A JOKE. HAHA! FAT CHANCE). With the way Valve's surprise little gem is catching on, I doubt there's anyone left who hasn't heard of it. Though I'm not kidding about the "if you haven't checked it out, you really should." And if you haven't checked it out, don't read this, 'cause, y'know, spoilers. I personally wish I had gone into it blind without having heard anything about it, like Chris did, but in my line of work a barrage of pre-data was unavoidable -- and I didn't really try to avoid it, because who'd think you could spoil a puzzle game?There are a lot of things that are special about Portal. There's sense of humor, bringing phrases like "party escort submission position" and "truth enhancement" into the meme lexicon. There's the fact that the game literally makes you love a cube just because it has hearts on it. There's a temperamental, intelligent computer as a fabulous antagonist. Most impressive of all is that all of this is wrapped up in a puzzle game. Oh, and there's cake at the end, and a song that will go down as one of the best videogame songs ever (it's by Jonathan Coulton, if you didn't know).
A lot of people have pointed out that they're compelled to wonder about where all these threads Portal has given us lead, and how they fit into the main Half Life story. Is Chell Alyx's mother? What happened to Aperture Science? What's going on in the world outside the testchamber? How long have we been in there, and what has GLaDOS been doing all that time? Why were there portal gun experiments? Who wrote "the cake is a lie?" I dunno how or why I ended up reading this incongruously intense discussion over at the Escapist about backstory theories for Portal, but one guy was intently suggesting that the purpose of the experiment was like a mother raising a child to survive the world outside with tough love. Real deep.
Anyway, you know -- and this is out of character for me -- I don't care about all that stuff. I think that Portal gives us all we really need to know, and we're depriving ourselves of a funny story if we overanalyze it. I love it how it is; I don't really need an explanation. Sure, I have my ideas about it, but guess what? It's my birthday, and I don't feel like writing that much. So instead, go to the Aperture Science website. At the flashing cursor, type "LOGIN." The login, which you can find on the wall in the game, is, "CJohnson." The password is "tier3." Once you're in, just type a "?" to see the list of commands. You can read backstory there.
Me, I'll just give you these:
The Quotable Portal
"Please be advised that a noticable taste of blood is not part of any test protocol, but is an unintended side effect of the Aperture Science Material Emancipation Grille, which may, in semi-rare cases, emancipate dental fillings, crowns, tooth enamel, and teeth."
"These inter-dimensional gates have proven to be completely safe. The device, however, has not."
"Remember, the Aperture Science 'Bring Your Daughter to Work Day' is the perfect time to have her tested."
"Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an unsatisfactory mark on your official testing record. Followed by death. Good luck."
"As part of a previously mentioned required test protocol, we can no longer lie to you. When the testing is over, you will be... missed."
"Cake and grief counseling will be available at the conclusion of the test. Thank you for helping us help you help us all."
"The Enrichment Center once again reminds you that Android Hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance."
"The Enrichment Center reminds you that the weighted companion cube will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak."
"The Enrichment Center is required to remind you that you will be baked, and then there will be cake."
"Place the device on the ground, then lie on your stomach with your arms at your sides. A party associate will arrive shortly to collect you for your party. Make no further attempt to leave the testing area. Assume the Party Escort Submission Position, or you will miss the party."
"I'm going to kill you, and all the cake is gone. You don't even care, do you?"
"That thing you burnt up isn't important to me. It's the Fluid Catalytic Cracking Unit. It made shoes for orphans. Nice job breaking it, hero."
"It also says you were adopted. So that's funny, too."
The Cake Recipe
This is GLaDOS' cake recipe, which can be read off of the monitors in the last office area. One of her components recites it before you incinerate it, also.
1 (18.25 oz) package chocolate cake mix
1 can prepared coconut frosting
3/4 cups vegetable oil
4 large eggs
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
3/4 cup butter or margarine, softened
2/3 cups granulated sugar
3 large eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 cups all purpose flour
2/3 cups cocoa
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/3 cups water
1 to 2 (6 oz each) vanilla frosting
And apparently, if you make it, it looks like this:
I'd quibble with the use of strawberries instead of cherries, because cherries are, like, way better. GLaDOS also recommends using fish-shaped garnishes and solid waste, but we'll just leave those out. I would make it, but I ain't baking my own birthday cake. And besides, I just don't care for chocolate.I did buy myself this though, in pink, to sleep in. At the end of the day, that's the real beauty of the game -- you feel fond. It makes you smile. It's a puzzle game about circles and blocks, and you care.
