[Editor's Note: I told you guys I have no time to get into SSBB right now. So I dutifully consulted my pal, Brooklynite and filmmaker Chris Person, to find out how the game is. The following is his response.]
Okay Leigh, so I've been playing my new copy of Smash Brothers Brawl that I got early with my friend (God bless little game stores that don't give two shits about release dates) and me and him were talking about what characters SHOULD have been in the game. He contended that Phoenix Wright was ideal, while I was making a strong case for Carmen Sandiago (whose Final Smash, obviously, is to summon the Rockapella). Thats when I had a revelation:
My Dad should be in Smash Brothers.
1. My dad looks like the Brawny Paper Towel Man.
I'm not kidding. Growing up, he looked pretty much EXACTLY like the Brawny Paper Towel Man. I would point out to him when I was shopping with my mom and say "Look! It's Dad!". It was uncanny. And I don't mean that prissy son of a bitch that they replaced with him with a few years ago. I'm talking the original, manly, 70's Brawny man, with the bitchin' moustache, not this lame Bruce Campbell wannabe that beat me up in middle school for playing magic cards. My dad is the original Brawny man, and if the powers that be need more reason than that, I seriously question their sanity.
2. My dad is awesome and could totally beat up your dad.
My dad is awesome. He used to tell me these bedtime stories he made up about a kid named Billy that would always go to the store for "Some juice, some chips, and some gum" and about how he would fight pirates and go to the moon and stuff like that. He was also a self-made man that rose to a high position from absolutely nothing, has an awesome name (which I refuse to divulge for fear of creepy googling Internet stalkers), is athletic, has an extensive knowledge of fine wines, plays a mean game of golf and manages to make a juvenile sense of humor classy. If my dad and your dad got in a fistfight, my dad would totally win and then your parents would get divorced.
His final smash would probably be him driving a Porche 911 on the stage and running over everyone while semiclothed women make swooning noises offstage and throw flowers. Snake would refuse to fight him because he respects him to much.
3. I want to play as a dad.
My dad was my hero. Most people feel the same way. With some exceptions, I can't really think of a lot of heroes that are dads. Like, if I try really hard I can think of maybe three. That sucks. We need more fathers saving the world from giant, androgynous villains, and not these pretty 20-something bachelors.
So, like, get on that. Don't you have Sakurai's number on speed dial or something? Chop chop!
P.S. FALCON PUUUUNNNNCH
[The preceding was a crazy letter from Chris Person.]