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HEEEEEEEEEELP!!

Written By mista sense on Tuesday, May 27, 2008 | 5:35 AM

So lately, I've been keenly interested in the relationship between games and real-world issues. However, this needn't be a perfectly serious pursuit, and in that vein, I have something perfectly ridiculous to request.

...What song would be Hillary Clinton's Elite Beat Agents stage?

Swear to god. I'm watching the news this morning, and I don't know what Hillary has been up to lately, but for some reason video of her and Chelsea was shown in which they were wearing some kind of Hawaiian garb and dancing with children, swaying rapidly side to side in mother-daughter unison, against the backdrop of anchor dialogue about her narrowing options in gaining the nomination.

The media is becoming less and less hesitant to presume Barack Obama is the democratic nominee. When it comes to Hillary, the word "desperate" has begun to pop up on a more regular basis. And we all know what happens when someone gets desperate, right?

That's right. They shout for a trio of undercover groovemasters to turn the tide in their favor through the power of song and dance.

Cue montage of Hillary launching a last-minute, all-out fight for the democratic nomination, successful beat-tapping earning the player scenes of determined political endeavors ("Let's try a fresh ad campaign." "YES!!"), earning a thumbs up from a superdelegate ("You bet, Kid!") and winning with a dual-screen image of the candidate amid spiraling confetti of red, white and blue. If the player begins to struggle, though, the penalty is scenes of tripping on the way to the podium, making verbal missteps, and cringing in the beam of the megawatt Obama smile. During the frantic-scribbling, wheel-spinning part that always comes at a level's end, you watch a line chart of polling numbers crawl up, up, up ("Just a little more!! We've almost got a majority!!"), or watch the final polling numbers come ticking in.

Come on, just imagine how awesome it'd be as an Obama-vs-Clinton two-player level, too. So what song would Hillary Clinton's EBA level be?

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